Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
ttyl tear gas
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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