The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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