I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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