I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
