can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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