I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
