I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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