So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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