I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
