I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
