I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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