my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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