I puked a lego.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
