I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
