he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
