his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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