Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
