these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
