Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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