Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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