If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
