youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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