somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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