I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Ketchup is God's man juice
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
