My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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