There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
