Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just threw up on my dentist
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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