apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
