you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
