Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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