dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I cockslap morals
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
