i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
