You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
