"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
