I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
