just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
