the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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