He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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