We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
