my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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