I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Did I show you my penis last night?
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
