Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
