Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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