i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
