I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We named our party play list daddy issues
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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