like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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