when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
