I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
