Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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