If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
